Dear Baby #4

 Dear Baby,

On February 10th I took a pregnancy test and found out you were real and I wasn't just making things up in my head. Thank God because I really thought I was going to end up on Oprah as one of those people who lose their minds and suffer from PTSD. That would make a great interview right?  Can you even see it, I would be all "Girl Interrupted" looking with like a hint of Mrs. Havisham! Just falling apart at the seams with no real reason why until they do a thorough interview and realize my psychological break is self inflicted after an abortion. The hate mail would be incredible! Imagine all the disappointed "Catholics", the surprise that I would be a a terrible person for taking a life but they being so pro life can pick and choose who is in fact good enough to praise God with them, as if there is any difference at all in any one of God's children no matter what gender they were assigned at birth or identify as today. Don't let me get off track here, but seriously I hope I am in your life so I can teach you what life is really about. 

For you alone, I have stopped all self harm, the drugs, drinking, smoking ALL OF IT! I stopped as soon as I thought you were here. I promise you that I will get this right, even if I can only carry you into existence and someone else that has been wanting to become a mom will have a chance to fulfill her dreams. Maybe you're here to make someone else's dreams of motherhood come true? Maybe you're here to solve world hunger? Maybe you're here to just be an awesome parent yourself? Whatever you are here for it must be huge, I can't imagine God would have sent you to me if He didn't think you would be safe, so I will do my best to rise to the occasion. 

Please don't be scared in there, but I will have to hide you for awhile longer. I can't announce anything at least until after abortions are not a legal option anymore. I won't feel pressured into anything that I don't believe in again. I will never feel helpless when it comes to my own body ever again. I feel like I failed at life because of that. You should never let anyone be in charge of what happens to your body. Even if you understand their side of things, even if their point makes sense. You still have to do what is right and true to you no matter what! I struggle with this, and likely always will but I hope you get it right without ever being hurt or losing pieces of yourself along the way. 

I love you simply for existing,

Mom