Dear Baby #4

 Dear Baby,

On February 10th I took a pregnancy test and found out you were real and I wasn't just making things up in my head. Thank God because I really thought I was going to end up on Oprah as one of those people who lose their minds and suffer from PTSD. That would make a great interview right?  Can you even see it, I would be all "Girl Interrupted" looking with like a hint of Mrs. Havisham! Just falling apart at the seams with no real reason why until they do a thorough interview and realize my psychological break is self inflicted after an abortion. The hate mail would be incredible! Imagine all the disappointed "Catholics", the surprise that I would be a a terrible person for taking a life but they being so pro life can pick and choose who is in fact good enough to praise God with them, as if there is any difference at all in any one of God's children no matter what gender they were assigned at birth or identify as today. Don't let me get off track here, but seriously I hope I am in your life so I can teach you what life is really about. 

For you alone, I have stopped all self harm, the drugs, drinking, smoking ALL OF IT! I stopped as soon as I thought you were here. I promise you that I will get this right, even if I can only carry you into existence and someone else that has been wanting to become a mom will have a chance to fulfill her dreams. Maybe you're here to make someone else's dreams of motherhood come true? Maybe you're here to solve world hunger? Maybe you're here to just be an awesome parent yourself? Whatever you are here for it must be huge, I can't imagine God would have sent you to me if He didn't think you would be safe, so I will do my best to rise to the occasion. 

Please don't be scared in there, but I will have to hide you for awhile longer. I can't announce anything at least until after abortions are not a legal option anymore. I won't feel pressured into anything that I don't believe in again. I will never feel helpless when it comes to my own body ever again. I feel like I failed at life because of that. You should never let anyone be in charge of what happens to your body. Even if you understand their side of things, even if their point makes sense. You still have to do what is right and true to you no matter what! I struggle with this, and likely always will but I hope you get it right without ever being hurt or losing pieces of yourself along the way. 

I love you simply for existing,

Mom

Dear Baby #3

 Dear Baby,

I can't even tell anyone about my abortion, I just have to go on as if nothing happened at all. It's really hard because it's a major occurrence for me. I think about it all the time. It's like an out of body experience now. I can visualize everything that happened in that office that day. I can recall the women that were in there with me. One was a mistress impregnated by someone else's husband and trying not to make waves she decided to kill part of herself so that life could sort of remain the same. Another woman was having her fifth abortion and I remember thinking wow, I can't imagine a reality for myself where that is okay. She also had four living children at home and selfishly as a hypothetical single mom now, I can get why she would feel so desperate that abortion is her first thought.  There was no one as young as me. I was crying at first from physical pain, but then the emotional pain came crashing in, so no one much talked to me. Except the lady that had so many abortions, she talked to everyone. 

She said to not worry that everything will be okay. I remember thinking "Lady I am just trying to get through the holiday season with my family and then I am going to end it all, so you're right it will be okay I guess.". I literally didn't leave the house for the longest except to go to work. My brother and his girlfriend announced their pregnancy the week of Thanksgiving. It was like depression and regret got together and thought to themselves how could they make a bad situation worse. Imagine figuring out that you were going to have a baby that would have been the exact same age as your future niece or nephew. Imagine figuring out that you will have someone to remind you of what your child might have been like. Imagine figuring out in the midst of your depression that you will have a physical reminder at every family gathering of the worst mistake of your life for the rest of your life. 

I didn't do Thanksgiving, I didn't do Christmas Eve with the family, I just couldn't. I had been through too much, I couldn't do small talk and try to make memories with people I couldn't even tell my story to. Funny enough no one even asked me why, no one reached out to check on me, no one cared that I wasn't there. 

I decided I would make it to Valentine's Day and leave a note about how important it is to love yourself and put yourself first in life even if that means disappointing everyone that's close to you. On February 10th I decided to take a pregnancy test just to be safe and I found out you were real and I wasn't just making things up in my head. Sadly that means that night that I can't remember all of is true. But it's not like it matters, everyone will just assume the worst of me. If they knew the truth they would understand even less why I would want to bring you into this world. Honestly I don't even know why it's so important to me but I won't mess this up. I don't really care what they assume but I will protect you no matter who I lose over it. I know that probably doesn't make any sense to you yet, but some day it will and I am truly sorry. 

I love you simply because you exist,

Mom