Dear Baby #3

 Dear Baby,

I can't even tell anyone about my abortion, I just have to go on as if nothing happened at all. It's really hard because it's a major occurrence for me. I think about it all the time. It's like an out of body experience now. I can visualize everything that happened in that office that day. I can recall the women that were in there with me. One was a mistress impregnated by someone else's husband and trying not to make waves she decided to kill part of herself so that life could sort of remain the same. Another woman was having her fifth abortion and I remember thinking wow, I can't imagine a reality for myself where that is okay. She also had four living children at home and selfishly as a hypothetical single mom now, I can get why she would feel so desperate that abortion is her first thought.  There was no one as young as me. I was crying at first from physical pain, but then the emotional pain came crashing in, so no one much talked to me. Except the lady that had so many abortions, she talked to everyone. 

She said to not worry that everything will be okay. I remember thinking "Lady I am just trying to get through the holiday season with my family and then I am going to end it all, so you're right it will be okay I guess.". I literally didn't leave the house for the longest except to go to work. My brother and his girlfriend announced their pregnancy the week of Thanksgiving. It was like depression and regret got together and thought to themselves how could they make a bad situation worse. Imagine figuring out that you were going to have a baby that would have been the exact same age as your future niece or nephew. Imagine figuring out that you will have someone to remind you of what your child might have been like. Imagine figuring out in the midst of your depression that you will have a physical reminder at every family gathering of the worst mistake of your life for the rest of your life. 

I didn't do Thanksgiving, I didn't do Christmas Eve with the family, I just couldn't. I had been through too much, I couldn't do small talk and try to make memories with people I couldn't even tell my story to. Funny enough no one even asked me why, no one reached out to check on me, no one cared that I wasn't there. 

I decided I would make it to Valentine's Day and leave a note about how important it is to love yourself and put yourself first in life even if that means disappointing everyone that's close to you. On February 10th I decided to take a pregnancy test just to be safe and I found out you were real and I wasn't just making things up in my head. Sadly that means that night that I can't remember all of is true. But it's not like it matters, everyone will just assume the worst of me. If they knew the truth they would understand even less why I would want to bring you into this world. Honestly I don't even know why it's so important to me but I won't mess this up. I don't really care what they assume but I will protect you no matter who I lose over it. I know that probably doesn't make any sense to you yet, but some day it will and I am truly sorry. 

I love you simply because you exist,

Mom