Dear Baby #4

 Dear Baby,

On February 10th I took a pregnancy test and found out you were real and I wasn't just making things up in my head. Thank God because I really thought I was going to end up on Oprah as one of those people who lose their minds and suffer from PTSD. That would make a great interview right?  Can you even see it, I would be all "Girl Interrupted" looking with like a hint of Mrs. Havisham! Just falling apart at the seams with no real reason why until they do a thorough interview and realize my psychological break is self inflicted after an abortion. The hate mail would be incredible! Imagine all the disappointed "Catholics", the surprise that I would be a a terrible person for taking a life but they being so pro life can pick and choose who is in fact good enough to praise God with them, as if there is any difference at all in any one of God's children no matter what gender they were assigned at birth or identify as today. Don't let me get off track here, but seriously I hope I am in your life so I can teach you what life is really about. 

For you alone, I have stopped all self harm, the drugs, drinking, smoking ALL OF IT! I stopped as soon as I thought you were here. I promise you that I will get this right, even if I can only carry you into existence and someone else that has been wanting to become a mom will have a chance to fulfill her dreams. Maybe you're here to make someone else's dreams of motherhood come true? Maybe you're here to solve world hunger? Maybe you're here to just be an awesome parent yourself? Whatever you are here for it must be huge, I can't imagine God would have sent you to me if He didn't think you would be safe, so I will do my best to rise to the occasion. 

Please don't be scared in there, but I will have to hide you for awhile longer. I can't announce anything at least until after abortions are not a legal option anymore. I won't feel pressured into anything that I don't believe in again. I will never feel helpless when it comes to my own body ever again. I feel like I failed at life because of that. You should never let anyone be in charge of what happens to your body. Even if you understand their side of things, even if their point makes sense. You still have to do what is right and true to you no matter what! I struggle with this, and likely always will but I hope you get it right without ever being hurt or losing pieces of yourself along the way. 

I love you simply for existing,

Mom

Dear Baby #3

 Dear Baby,

I can't even tell anyone about my abortion, I just have to go on as if nothing happened at all. It's really hard because it's a major occurrence for me. I think about it all the time. It's like an out of body experience now. I can visualize everything that happened in that office that day. I can recall the women that were in there with me. One was a mistress impregnated by someone else's husband and trying not to make waves she decided to kill part of herself so that life could sort of remain the same. Another woman was having her fifth abortion and I remember thinking wow, I can't imagine a reality for myself where that is okay. She also had four living children at home and selfishly as a hypothetical single mom now, I can get why she would feel so desperate that abortion is her first thought.  There was no one as young as me. I was crying at first from physical pain, but then the emotional pain came crashing in, so no one much talked to me. Except the lady that had so many abortions, she talked to everyone. 

She said to not worry that everything will be okay. I remember thinking "Lady I am just trying to get through the holiday season with my family and then I am going to end it all, so you're right it will be okay I guess.". I literally didn't leave the house for the longest except to go to work. My brother and his girlfriend announced their pregnancy the week of Thanksgiving. It was like depression and regret got together and thought to themselves how could they make a bad situation worse. Imagine figuring out that you were going to have a baby that would have been the exact same age as your future niece or nephew. Imagine figuring out that you will have someone to remind you of what your child might have been like. Imagine figuring out in the midst of your depression that you will have a physical reminder at every family gathering of the worst mistake of your life for the rest of your life. 

I didn't do Thanksgiving, I didn't do Christmas Eve with the family, I just couldn't. I had been through too much, I couldn't do small talk and try to make memories with people I couldn't even tell my story to. Funny enough no one even asked me why, no one reached out to check on me, no one cared that I wasn't there. 

I decided I would make it to Valentine's Day and leave a note about how important it is to love yourself and put yourself first in life even if that means disappointing everyone that's close to you. On February 10th I decided to take a pregnancy test just to be safe and I found out you were real and I wasn't just making things up in my head. Sadly that means that night that I can't remember all of is true. But it's not like it matters, everyone will just assume the worst of me. If they knew the truth they would understand even less why I would want to bring you into this world. Honestly I don't even know why it's so important to me but I won't mess this up. I don't really care what they assume but I will protect you no matter who I lose over it. I know that probably doesn't make any sense to you yet, but some day it will and I am truly sorry. 

I love you simply because you exist,

Mom

Dear Baby #2

 Dear Baby,

It's been a few days and I still have this overwhelming feeling about you. I feel like you should probably hear this from me before you hear it from someone else, so here it goes. You may have noticed already that there was once a baby before you and I am not so sure how it works up there but you might even be that same baby that tried to make it to me before. I was convinced by my mother that I wouldn't be a very good mother. I was told that I wasn't ready to be a parent. I was very sick early on in my pregnancy and I was told that my baby hadn't had the best nutrition since I had been so sick and without early prenatal care. I was so depressed. Imagine the closest people to you telling you the things you can't do. 

I felt like I had shamed my family in some way by even getting pregnant as if we were royalty or something. My mother and my OBGYN (who delivered me and was friends with my mom) convinced me that abortion was my best option...imagine going to catholic school for 12 years just to find out that even your mother thinks abortion will fix it all. I will never forget that they just made the abortion appointments like it was a tooth cleaning. It was no big deal. I was dying inside, DYING. I was consumed by depression. I was only even in this situation because I had fallen into a deep depression at school in RI and needed to go home. I didn't know what else to do. I found out I was pregnant in early November and by Thanksgiving the baby was gone. 

People were protesting the day that I had my abortion. They were standing outside the hospital because they only gave abortions on certain days during the week so they knew when to be there. I don't even remember that clearly but I overheard my mom telling my dad how disgusted she was over it and how heartbroken she was. I remember thinking in that moment that at least she hadn't killed her own child, but honestly I didn't know yet that she did kill her own child, I just didn't know it yet. 

I love you simply for existing,

Mom

Dear Baby #1

 Dear Baby,

I know you're in there already, I just woke up with this overwhelming feeling. This is going to sound so weird but I dreamt about you last night. Maybe I am just crazy. Last night was pretty awful, I don't even know how to describe what happened fully, but something did. I know I didn't drink enough to forget like I am. It's weird I feel like I see the night in flashes. 

We were at the bar drinking and watching the Sixers game and then all of a sudden I wasn't feeling great. I decided to put my things in the hotel room. I was just going to go to sleep for awhile, next thing I new I woke up with fog like memories. I even missed work, which I never do. I remember asking him to get off of me, I remember realizing that he wasn't going to listen to me and I had no control over my body at all. I begged him not to cum inside me, he asked me what I said and I repeated please don't cum in me and he continued to hold my legs open while he thrust inside of me. I couldn't do anything and he literally laughed at my requests. I remember tears rolling down my cheek, I didn't have any strength to push him off, I really tried but my body felt so weird. At one point I think I just passed out because I don't remember putting my clothes back on or anything. 

My super power is that he doesn't know that I remember. I will keep that to myself for now. I likely sound like a crazy person and honestly some part of me even believes that to be true. Crazy or not, I promise do everything in my power to keep you safe and be the best mother I can be to you no matter what happens. Even if I am only your mother while you grow into a baby, I promise I will get this right. 

You will be okay no matter what. 

I love you simply for existing,

Mom

30 more seconds

You guys just as a disclaimer: Home gurl doesn't have much of a filter left and this post is a little spicy. So if you're easily offended or you think perhaps you don't live in a glass house then you have stumbled upon my blog by sheer accident and should definitely move on to a more refined writer...because I am definitely not the one!

Seriously, this is just a morning in my life, it's not even an entire day...Lord help me!

My kids have a lot of gadgets and I have come to realize my son's tiny little Fornite Llama Bluetooth speaker is just amazing. It seriously out shines my five below speaker that I have been in love with since May 2019. I have been shamelessly using the llama when I take showers to blast songs from Lizzo and Post Malone to Counting Crows...because honestly, my playlists are seriously random.

This morning I had the rare pleasure of waking up to an empty bed. My son had come in to say good morning and tell me to have a good day already, since he leaves with his dad like 30 minutes before the girls and I. For anyone who's not married yet, it is a pleasure to wake up in an empty bed sometimes. I promise you there will come a point where you will wonder as a parent and spouse if you will ever get any alone time and I can tell you that the answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I sincerely apologize if I am about to offend anyone but I absolutely warned you.

So, I think I am in the clear and I decide that I have time to rub one off before I get up to get ready for the day. I grab my phone to watch some adult footage. I get like two minutes into this clip and all of a sudden there's no sound but I hear moaning coming from the hallway. In that moment it occurred to me that prior to the moaning I had also heard that infamous Bluetooth sound chime just before the moaning started. That's right you guys...my son while brushing his teeth with his sisters in the bathroom right outside my bedroom door, was distracted by his own speaker and just pressed the power button on that little llama for no effing reason! Of course my phone had been the last device it was linked to and well now you get the picture!

I have never found the setting icon and turned my own Bluetooth off so fast in my life. I paused the video and hid the phone under my covers as if I am the teenager hiding from my parents. My son who is no fool comes back into my room after brushing his teeth (which he has never done) just to say good bye again. You can imagine the huge chestier cat smile on this kids face. He knows that none of the kids were on devices this morning. He then asked me if everything was okay. I am literally sweating and I can only imagine what my face looked like. I answered that I was fine and I kind of chuckled nervously.

He leaves and I hear the front door of the house open and close because he really left all the way this time, to meet his dad and go to school. So I am still insistent on capitalizing on this empty bed and having five minutes to myself. I am thinking with my Bluetooth safely off what could happen, right?

Well I am about 30 seconds from the best start to a morning I can think of and in walks my boyfriend. I kid you not! Usually when he has a headache and he's up all night or falls asleep downstairs and I won't see him in the morning until I make my way downstairs cause he can't deal with the lights and drawers opening and closing and all the loud things of morning. But not today, of course not today! Today, the poor thing never went to sleep and he walks in on me 30 seconds from pure bliss. I looked at him and said "Seriously, I just needed 30 more seconds!".  I am not entirely sure he even knows what I meant, he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow presumably not bothered by outburst in the least.

I am shaking my fist Bluetooth!

Never a dull moment, never five minutes to myself, wouldn't change it for the world!
#icantstoplaughing #caniget30seconds #bluetoothisthedevil

Beauty

I met this amazing woman a long time ago. If I had to describe her in one word alone my initial thought is to call her beautiful. Not the superficial kind of beauty that stops somewhere just below the skin. No amount of time or sun exposure will touch the type of beauty she possessed. She had beauty pouring out of her. Everything she had a hand in became beautiful. Her marriage was an example to everyone who knew her of committment, love, dedication and selflessness. Her children carried her spirit from a very young age and continue to emulate all of her best qualities. Every word she spoke was full of beauty. They were the type of words that lift people up and make you want to become a better person. It seemed like she effortlessly woke up and decided every morning to do all the good she could with every minute she had.

If you were blessed enough to know her it was like knowing a living human form of unconditional love. By definition unconditional love means affection without any limitations. This is how she loved everyone she came in contact with on a daily basis. No matter your status in life she respected and loved you without question or expectation of anything in return, she was gifted in that way. As a teacher it didn't matter which class she was officially teaching you, the first thing she taught was how to be a decent human being and then she made sure you knew she cared about you. Everything else came after those two crucial ingredients. I don't know how you feel about that but I want my children to be in decent human being school with every teacher they have!

I learned so much from her that I would never be able to thank her enough. I learned that you need to make sure your fridge always has enough food for 25 because you never know who might stop by and be hungry! You need to decorate for every holiday and change of season and you should not be afraid to go overboard...because after all there is no such thing:) You should strive to be the house that all of your kids' friends want to hang out at instead of wishing for peace and quiet. Family vacations are not just for family! You are never too old to enjoy a good bottle of bubbles. Country music might be the only music that you can enjoy as much as your grandkids! Sleeping from 12AM to 6AM should happen on every vacation. That way you can stay up late and play phase 10 but you still catch the sunrise and an early morning dip in the pool before you make breakfast for 20! Always have a mini trash can in your car, it's way more attractive than a bag! You can't love someone too much. You should always leave anyplace you have been better than you found it...this could mean cleaning a hotel room before you check out, wiping the counter in a public bathroom or just picking up trash while you are walking. Put God first in everything you do and you will not go wrong. You do not have to be in love with every move your children make, you are there to support them not judge them. God will take care of all the things that you can't handle. Money will come and money will go but friendship and love will be the things that really bring wealth to your life.

She lived and breathed a beautiful unconditional love for life. If you were blessed enough to know her then you no doubt learned a thing or two, if you were paying attention. She will be watching always and be there whenever you need her. While I can't thank her enough for the things that she unknowingly taught me I can pay it forward for years to come. I will try my best to carry on some of her traditions with my family and I will live the rest of my life trying to make everyone I come in contact with feel unconditionally loved!

May her soul and all the souls of the faithfully departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.